sorrowandsorrow | Open Post: Welters

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Open Post: Welters

It's probably been noted before, but Janet's not actually dumb. The people of this mansion are varied and mercurial. They're not like Fillorians, some of whom are little bitches but who were largely cow-eyed and willing to accept her authority just because she was a pretty girl from another world.

So. She has to win people over. Maybe everyone needs a little fun to take their minds off things. Conveniently, welters is absolutely Janet's idea of fun. There's a bunch of insane rules, violence is encouraged, and you win if you're good at magic and being bossy.

The mansion grounds are also a little tempestuous as to their character, but apparently the master magician toying with all their lives is feeling charitable today. She's found a big, flat stretch of undisturbed grass, and she's sketching out welters squares with a piece of chalk.

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"Demon children," Janet echoes slowly. "Sounds fucked up."

Also, it sounds like she kind of wishes this great beauty were here instead of Luo Binghe. She's not stupid enough to say that aloud. "I guess I'm starting to understand why you kicked my ass."

"I am coming to understand that things work differently here than how I'm accustomed." He's almost embarrassed to describe how they usually work. It seemed so natural in his world, but everyone here has acted like every woman immediately falling for Luo Binghe is even more far-fetched than living in the realm of demons. "In my world, if I met a beautiful woman and we engaged in cutting repartee and a rousing clash of weapons, we would be wed within a week. It has happened thus many times. If I acted wrongly by the standards of your realms... It wasn't my intention."¹

¹So close to, but not actually, an apology.

There's no way to answer that other than an incredulous laugh, but Janet does actually kind of get it. Books that turn out to be real, huh? Luo Binghe's book, if that's the deal here, must have been a real doozy.

"Within a week? What's the wedding planning industry like where you're from?"

He waves this away. "It's not complicated. At most there are new robes to be sewn and a betrothal gift to be sent to her family, and the palace kitchens might prepare a banquet. But often my marriages happen in a state of some emergency. Curses that can only be broken by a virgin bride, or poisons that require—a cure that would be indecent to administer to an unmarried woman. And other such common affairs. In those cases it may be enough to simply perform the three bows symbolically." He can't even count how many rushed weddings he's had in caves, with some convenient rocks standing in for parents. "Or—sometimes some young woman's overly ambitious father will entrap me and attempt to force me to wed her, at the risk of some political or military consequences. As an attempt to ally their house to the Emperor. In those cases I would of course be forced to execute him, but typically the daughter is so grateful to me for rescuing her from under the thumb of her oppressive father that she implores me to wed her anyway. It would be rude to decline."

Come to think of it, when was the last time he went this long without a wedding? It's strange to think of. At first he was deeply disturbed by the coolness with which women responded to him in this place, but not constantly preparing for the next wedding has given him some space to think. He still cannot imagine life in his own world without his harem, but now that he has explored the pleasures of the flesh with Sagramore, it's difficult to muster enthusiasm for his usual nonstop pursuit of new wives. And he is nearly sure that if he had pressed the question of marriage with Nina, they would never have become friends. He's been viewing the mansion as a place where he is permitted to try new ways of being, but talking about his old life brings into relief how incompatible those new ways are with everything he previously knew. He drains the rest of his drink.

So, it's been a while since this conversation, but Janet still remembers that chat she had with Weird Demon Wine Guy. The one with her little revelation about how all the people here are protagonists. That's slipped her mind since then, to some extent -- but maybe not anymore, because the way Luo Binghe is talking is the most main character bullshit she's ever heard in her life.

"First I was starting to understand how you kicked my ass," she says, "and now I'm starting to understand why you talked to me like I was two seconds away from hopping onto your dick."

The relief he feels at this statement surprises even Luo Binghe. It's just that no one else has understood. "I believed this mansion to be a trap designed by one of my enemies. Naturally I was attempting to find whoever it was I was meant to court. And you must know yourself to be striking.¹ I'm still not sure it isn't." When he suppresses his powers like this, his tolerance for alcohol is very low. His head spins. "It is either a gift from fate, allowing me a different life than what I was born into, or the cruelest trap I've ever known, and I am falling for it utterly."

¹Without the vocabulary to say it, what he means to express is that Janet also has important character energy. Like seeing a famous actor in an episode of CSI and knowing instantly they must be the murderer.

Janet raises her eyebrows. She's about halfway through her cocktail, but maybe Luo Binghe needs another one. She shuts the cabinet and reopens it solely to get it to produce him a refill, which she slides toward him across the bar.

"If we're in a trap, and you think it's set for you, then what's the bait?"

Ah. He came too close to something he does not want to reveal. "Let's talk about Claudius. What are your impressions?"

"Asshole," Janet answers easily. She actually could reveal a lot more about Claudius, given what she knows, but that's still in her back pocket for later. "I don't trust him. And I definitely don't think he should be in charge around here."

Luo Binghe is delighted. "I could not agree more. He is not to be trusted—an underhanded man who wears civility and a flattering tongue as a cloak to hide his true nature. He would no doubt turn such a role to his own advantage."¹

¹Whereas Luo Binghe wants to rule for entirely altruistic reasons. Obviously.

"Yeah. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him." Janet's nursing her drink a little more, but getting closer to the bottom, which means it's tasting better and better as she goes. At least her alcohol tolerance is pretty solid. "I don't know -- he gave me a whole intimidation show about my qualifications, but I haven't exactly seen him around doing a lot of mansion-conquering recently, either."

Luo Binghe hasn't either, but he tries not to know what Claudius is doing at all. He sips the second drink Janet procured for him, letting himself tip further into dizzy warmth. "It figures. Doing all of that for power, and then changing his mind and deciding he doesn't even want it anymore. That is so like him."

Oh, this is delightful. Janet can't help a grin, a slightly toothy one, as Luo Binghe obviously gets a) drunker and b) more irritable about that motherfucker Claudius. "Yeah? What happened with you two?"

Luo Binghe has no shame about having dallied with Claudius, but he does not like that this story makes him sound credulous and naive. If he were thinking more clearly, he might not tell it. But he and Janet have a shared enemy, and the prospect of her siding with him—when Lan Wangji and Claudius acted like he was so unreasonable—is irresistible. "He hid his ambitions and status from me, and seduced me. It didn't go far—I objected to his aggressive demeanor. When I found out that he intended to gain power over the rest of us, we had a dispute."

"Wow." Honestly, she's not totally sure how much of this she believes -- but does it matter? Claudius poisoned his brother to death. That's pretty bad. Janet finishes her drink, still toying with the garnish. "What kind of dispute? I've noticed you're pretty..." Ugh, she hates to even say it, but: "Pretty unstoppable in a fight."

Luo Binghe does not like revealing the properties of his blood, and he doesn't know Janet well enough yet to trust her. "Yes.¹ I thought if I demonstrated my power, surely he would back down. Instead he mocked me, and confirmed my suspicions—that he'd pretended to be enamored with me only to gain benefit for himself."

It's not as though he cares about Claudius' opinion, but he hates being deceived, especially when he'd been—unguarded—with Claudius due to his attentions. Now, perhaps, it wouldn't anger him so much, because he is permitting himself to explore a new lifestyle. But Claudius flattered and flirted his way into a personal secret of Luo Binghe's, only to throw it back in Luo Binghe's face at the first opportunity, when Luo Binghe hadn't even hurt him yet. "It's—you see—I could have forgiven the deception. But what he said... So I continued to torment him with my powers a little longer until I showed mercy. By that point, naturally, our relationship was unsalvageable. And he still hasn't apologized." Not even after... But Luo Binghe has resolved never to think about it again.

¹Unfortunately for Janet, he is pleased by the ego boost.

"Jesus, what a dick." That part's not a lie or an act from her. Janet still gets the creeps when she thinks about Claudius being so solicitous to her, unaware that she knew exactly what he'd done.

"Well..." She clinks her empty glass against Luo Binghe's. "I have pretty shitty taste in men. Sounds like we have something in common, Emperor."

He clinks his glass with hers and takes another large sip, then laughs darkly. "I don't think I know what my taste is. I suppose it is bad, or at least my judgment—" Why is he saying all this? "Tell me of your shitty men, beautiful warrior queen."

One drink is the perfect number of drinks for that to make Janet really laugh, gripping the edge of the bar for support just for a second. Oh my God, she actually loves talking to fantasy weirdos, she's decided. They make her feel so normal in comparison.

"Where to start? I dated this guy at the end of high school -- he was such a tool. I think he was selling drugs to freshmen, because when he took me out, he was always paying in cash and acting really weird about it. Like oh, you're welcome, my lady, just don't ask me my sources, wink wink. No idea why, because I went to this crunchy-ass private school anyway. Nobody there didn't have money." She scowls down at her empty glass. She doesn't want to get drunker than Luo Binghe, but she doesn't want to keep talking about men without another drink.

"Then, once I got to Brakebills... oh my God, you can't even imagine what a different breed of asshole the men turn into once they find out they can do magic. There was this fucker, Reggie -- and I should have known, because that's an asshole name -- who thought it would be so sexy to use me to practice this janky tattooing magic he learned from a hedge witch on winter break. I kicked him to the curb. Eliot laughed his ass off at me."

Luo Binghe is getting too drunk to really listen to this, which is good since he wouldn't have understood it anyway. He lets the sound of her voice blur and tilts his glass back and forth, watching the light sparkle off the liquor, until it seems like she's about done. "Imagine if we had wed. I would only have disappointed you—I would have been the next story on your list. Oh, Queen Janet, I hope we never leave here." He sighs heavily. "What would I tell my wives? My Empress? What would I even begin to do?"

Janet hides a smile behind her hand. She procures herself a second drink, mostly (she'd argue) for the purposes of buying time so she doesn't accidentally say something that gets her ass kicked again.

"Does it matter? If you're the emperor, can't you just tell them whatever you want and they have to be fine with it?"

"But the logistics," Luo Binghe says, fully morose. "They all live in my palace. Am I to turn them out on the streets? Or simply—house women I no longer desire as a kind of charity? And the power dynamics—you could not imagine. The harem is its own political entity, as complex as any other branch of the court. The women who have risen to the top of that structure would not be pleased to have their power stripped, just because the emperor has decided men are more appealing." That may be the first time he has said that out loud so baldly. Oh well.

The harem, Janet mouths to herself, like, oh my fucking God. She'd kill Claudius right now if it would bring Eliot here to make expressive faces at her behind Luo Binghe's back during this conversation.

"Well," Janet says a little bit lamely, "you're going to have to figure something out. I mean, you're not actually having sex with all of these women all the time anyway, are you? What's the actual difference if you divorce them but leave the whole... uh, harem... intact?"

Obviously that's not possible. Luo Binghe can't think of why not right now though, so he just scowls and drains his second glass. The drink has lost some of its complexity now, to his impaired tastebuds, and all he tastes is bitterness.

Janet bites back another laugh. He looks like a giant mastiff whose owner has told it to go sit in the corner: big, dangerous, and sulky.

"Why don't we switch? Come on, this is what you're supposed to have for girl talk." She shuts the liquor cabinet, concentrates for a second, and then manages to pluck a chilled bottle of rosé on her next attempt.

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